nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
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*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.