Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
this is how life feels
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.