Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
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He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I don’t get marriage
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.