I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
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If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.