My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
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Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Every BBC series about the universe.
DOOO EEEET
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I’ve been drinking.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer