So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
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me when i see my girls butt
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
2023 was just a warmup
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?