[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
You Might Also Like
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse