In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday