In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
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“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song