Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
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I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.