Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
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Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Never ghost your hitman.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My first son he is wonderful
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.