[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I’ve had relationships like this