[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
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Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
eating my hot dog hamburger style
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Good boy 😂😂
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own