t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.