dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
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Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
me when I see my crush
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
handsome & gretel
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.