Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
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[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
“TGIM!” – My liver
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments