[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
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(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
just having fun
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
#titanic
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.