You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
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[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
What personal space?
My dog
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.