Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
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A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families