So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
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Cool shirt 🙂
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*