I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.