Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL