wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
You Might Also Like
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
No one :
Me when I swimming :