a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
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I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space