*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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Are these grass-fed oranges?
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.