Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
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so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
My new favorite headline
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip