she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them