Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
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Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*