I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
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If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
boat question
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon