Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream