The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
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Ooooooh.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I am, perchance
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food