A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
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“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.