Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”