Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
You Might Also Like
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
A game married people play.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*