It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Milk Cube
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.