10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
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[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
True
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me