What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
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[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Flowers bee like
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different