Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
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4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
i meant to share this earlier
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist