It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
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Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Always
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
How to wake up a Beagle
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……