worst…sale…ever
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at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.