When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
NASA has no chill
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.