“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
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*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not