Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
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“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
How about daylight saves us for once
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven