I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
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Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.