Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
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If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.