My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.