“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
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Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Not recommended for beginners.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!