Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
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“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl