Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
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I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*