Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.